The last couple of weeks have been... hell. I have been taking a new medication for sleep and over time it was affecting my mood more and more until I reached a point of being a ball of anxious, suicidal depression. Not a fun way to spend the holidays. Or any time really. A couple of days ago I took myself off the med (because I wasn't really concerned with whether it was okay with my doctor) and since then things have dramatically mellowed down. They aren't good - my mood isn't good. But it's not bad either. It's neutral. Functional. Rational. And that is worlds better than what I was living with. In the meantime I am taking Benadryl for sleep. I remember a psych telling me once it was harmless taken long term - and I'm going to confirm that with my current psych. As long as it stands true I will stick with it. It gets me the sleep I need with no side effects. I wish I could be normal and just sleep - but I was over-medicated for five years by a jackass who preferred pharmaceutical company kick-backs to patient welfare and my brain no longer knows how to sleep without chemical input.

Alright, something not drug related - A new year! I don't normally do resolutions but one I do have this year is No. New. Pets. :p I got seven this year (a second dog, two birds, two ferrets and two gerbils) in addition to the dog we already had. So, barring some terrible disaster that takes my pets away from me, no new pets. The one exception to this is that we're getting an aquarium. That's been in the works for months and we're just now getting the money to set up the size tank we want with the equipment we want. I guess another exception would be if one of our pairs passes away and the one left behind becomes lonely/needs a buddy. But that's fair. Right?

Mike called while I was typing this up and I've lost my train of thought :p So I'm going to sign off here. I hope you all had a good holiday :)

To my extreme surprise I got a visit from Animal Control this morning. It seems that last night while I was doing a sleep study in Colorado, Dylan was in the backyard barking - for about two hours O_o The complaint was that the woman was worried she might be stuck outside in the cold. I'm cynical and think she was mostly complaining about the noise. (Our neighbors have shown no interest in us in the almost year that we've been here - but they may actually be concerned for my dog. I don't know). Either way there was a knock on my door this morning. I explained to the lady that came that I was gone all night, Mike wasn't home and it was Dylan's first time alone in this house. I also explained that she has anxiety issue that she takes medication for (No really, she's on Prozac and Xanax). I showed her the dog doors, showing that Dylan has access in and out of the house. All this seemed to be enough and I didn't get into any sort of trouble - no warnings or citations. Just a suggestion that the next time I leave her alone overnight I have someone stay with her or close up her access to the outside. The lady that stopped by was actually really nice and understanding. She also recognized Kuma :D Kuma came from a botched rescue situation where she was one of about 50 dogs living in a mobile home in terrible conditions. Apparently the lady who stopped by today was there when they cleared out the home. Also the time before that when there were over 100 dogs >_< It appears Kuma was the "rescuer's" personal dog - the only one that wasn't there as a rescue but as a pet. That didn't help Kuma out too much though as her face is still twisted and scarred from fights and her teeth were destroyed from being in a kennel. (Our $80 shelter dog ended up costing about $1000 in the first month)

Anyway - sorry to have an entire post about the dogs. More to come soon :)

Today's picture features my favorite mug. It was a gift from my brother-in-law and is perfect for tea and soup. (Today it is tea.) I suppose it would be perfect for coffee too, but it doesn't fit in my Keurig machine and I am just addicted to that damn thing :p Though if I bring a coffee home from Starbucks or Dazbog I often transfer it to this mug :D

Mike comes home today which meant it was animal cleaning day - well most of the animals. The dogs are cleaned by the groomers. (I had a job as a dog bather once and I am very grateful to them, especially for dealing with Dylan!) But the ferret tower, bird cage and gerbil tank all got an overhaul. Mike comes home every eight days (he's gone for four/home for four/rinse/repeat) so it gives me a good cleaning schedule. The gerbils get done every other homecoming because they just don't need it as often :p It also gives me something to do to pass the time while I'm waiting for Mike to actually walk through the door. There's no set schedule for that. One day he got home at ten a.m. (I don't think that will be happening again though) and another he got home around eight p.m. - and he's come home at all times in between. I think some people think I'm a little insane to have eight pets - but when you spend this much time on your own you grow to appreciate the company! I'm a little worried about what starting school in January is going to do to the pet responsibility load but I think it'll be okay. Plus there is a reason they are all in pairs! When I can't be around they've all got a buddy to hang out with. 

I have been beating myself up lately about not writing. I haven't written since the day after I completed NaNoWriMo. I was so proud of myself for managing that and so sure I was going to keep this thing going - but it's been just over a week and... nothing. I want to. I have ideas! I got a moleskin notebook to jot them down and I've actually managed to do just that. But I'm so afraid that I'll write utter crap - or that I won't be able to write anything at all - that I haven't made the attempt. Which is kind of pathetic reasoning. Really it's better to get crap down that I can work out and improve later then to get nothing down at all. I can't really improve on what isn't there. No real editing to be done there. I joined the Absolute Write forums in hopes that it would get my butt in gear. So here's hoping :)

Another wintery day in Cheyenne. The first thing I did this morning (after having a cup of gingerbread coffee) was shovel the sidewalk, walkway to the house and clean off the car. This is not the first morning I have spent like this - but this is my first winter in Cheyenne after living ten years in the New Mexico desert, and two and a half years before that on the tropical island of Okinawa. I am just not used to it. Back in the fall outside of Lowe's were snow blowers. I told Mike we should get one. He came up with a bunch of reasons why it wasn't necessary, so they all went home with somebody else. Now it's winter and oddly enough every time we have a snowstorm Mike is in the field O_o I can't fault him for that, he doesn't make his schedule and he doesn't control the weather. But he also isn't the one home doing the shoveling :p I know it's good exercise - it's great exercise! There's no arguing that! It's good to get outside and do something with yourself. But it never fails that when I'm getting ready to go out the morning after a snowfall I see my neighbor out with his snow blower :p

 Random Thoughts:

-When I posted about getting the birds I said we were thinking about naming them Bludger and Snitch. We actually went with Opal and Jade :) Also, it turns out they are both girls (we thought they might be boys)

-I want to join a writing group (or maybe another group of interest) but everything around here isn't actually around here - it's either in Ft. Collins or Laramie (which is actually smaller than Cheyenne) - both are 45 minutes away. Though it's not the time of the drive that bothers me, it's the gas.

-I bought my school books last night. I got them on Half.com and with shipping the three of them cost $180.00. One was brand new. If I were to have gone through my school's book store I would have paid at least twice that (without shipping).

-Christmas shopping for family is done! I have one or two more stocking stuffers to pick up for Mike and then he will be done too :D I'll probably do that today.

-That's all. No more random thoughts :p

Holy crap, you guys!! I did it! Going into this thing my only hope was to get into the practice of writing every day. To be a writer again. In the last several years all I had written of note were two short stories, about three hundred words each. Not much especially over the time span. I thought I was more than a little crazy to jump into NaNoWriMo after such an intense dry spell - but like I said I just wanted to get writing again. I had no intention of winning. In fact I fully expected not to. "I can't write that much!" "1667 words a day? Not coming from me, buddy." I've had five days where I wrote well over 2,000 words, two days where I wrote over 3,000 and today? Today I wrote 6,426. I don't know if I can do anything like this again, but I had a good time (most of the time) and am so glad I did it. It showed me that I can still write. I can still be creative. That I still have something in me that's worth putting to use. It also showed me that I can write and enjoy it just for me. No one has read anything of my novel. No one even knows what it's about. It's just mine and I'm okay with that.
I can't thank the directors at The Office of Letters and Light enough, but along with the merchandise I'm purchasing I'm making a donation. I wish I had more to give them for what they've given back to me.

As far as the immediate future - tomorrow I'm going to treat myself with a trip to the library, because I haven't been for the entire month of November. And that's far too long O_o

Chugging along with NaNoWriMo! I'm currently at 23,479 words - just over the recommended goal for today.I am honestly surprised that I've kept up this long and really do hope I can stick it through until the end :D I had to get an endoscopic procedure done today and I think if I managed to get my word count in today there should be no excuse for the remaining two weeks!

I'm currently up a bit later than usual as I'm waiting for midnight to register for classes online for the Spring semester. I'm not sure why registration starts at midnight - but I want to have the best chance at getting the classes I've chosen so here I am. Thankfully I've got nothing planned tomorrow so I can sleep in if need be :D

We've got part of our Christmas shopping done (woot!) We know where we want to do most of the rest but the lady only puts up shop occasionally and not on any real schedule so we're having trouble finding her O_o Then we've got Mike's brother and his girlfriend and we're set! Except for ourselves. Though that's more a matter of knowing what funds are available than knowing what to buy. Also I've bought supplies to make Christmas cards and I'm really looking forward to that XD

 Welcome to NaNoWriMo! I didn't think I was going to do it but I made the daily goal on day one with a final word count of 1671. Can I do that for another 29 days? I have no idea - but I'm going to try for sure. I thought I'd put up my writing space as today's picture - seemed appropriate for November 1st. Of course I'm currently typing this in the living room - but that's one of the joys of having a laptop.


In non-writing news I saw a new therapist today. My previous therapist was... annoying me. I guess a better way to put it would be that we didn't mesh therapeutically? Or something. Either way I saw someone new today and I do like her. Hopefully that will continue. In other mental health news my psych is messing with my meds in the hopes of getting me out of a rapid-cycling/depressed/irritable/low-energy stage that I have been stuck in for roughly forever. I don't know if the Vitamin D deficiency has anything to do with any of that, but I've been on the 50K unit pills for about three weeks and I would think if that was the issue there would be some sort of improvement. I know I need some improvement because this constant crap mood cannot stay. Mike says there have been times of stability and contentedness in my life - times that have lasted - but when I'm like this for this long I can never remember them.

 Okay, now we've got snow! Something that's actually measurable :D This is from a couple of days ago, but there is still a fair amount on the ground. Thankfully it didn't keep Mike out in the field any longer than scheduled, though it was looking that way for a little while. He got home late but that is better than the alternative :)

The ferret tower got here the day before Mike came home and we agreed he would put it together, but I got impatient and I felt bad that they didn't have proper digs. I managed to build it myself, all proper and competent like but when it came to placing the shelves and the ramps inside... No. I tried and the ferrets got around okay but Mike had to rebuild the interior when he got home. He's much more mechanically inclined than I am and the ferrets are better off for it.

NaNoWriMo is inching ever closer and I don't have nearly as much prep done as I would like >_< Mike is home until 31 October and if I don't make some time to get something done I'm afraid I'm going to be going in a lot more blind than I was hoping. This probably isn't the proper spirit, but I don't truly expect to get 50,000 words done. I want to - it's my goal. But I'm rusty at writing at all and really this is a tool to get me going more than it is a competition to win. For me anyway. If it gets me writing - really writing - in November and beyond I will consider that a total win :D

On Thursday we attempted to go to the Zoo - though we didn't realize it was a "Free Day" before we set off on our two hour trip to Denver. We ended up grabbing lunch and turning around to go to Rocky Mountain Nation Park instead - a very wise detour :) The day was perfect for it - crisp and clear - and the scenery was beautiful. Also we saw a ton of elk - some close enough to touch. Unfortunately the closest elk were at night and my camera is just not snazzy enough to get great night shots. Still, a very cool experience.

Today is my 31st birthday. I feel old. When I was 30 I sort of comforted myself with the knowledge that I was still close to my twenties. That doesn't seem applicable anymore. I know someday my thirties will seem young - but not today :p

What is young in the ferret currently trying to crawl up my pant leg. Oh yes - we've already extended our family again! But we're done now - for sure! Eight pets is enough. For anyone counting that's two dogs, two gerbils, two birds and now two ferrets. They were a birthday extension. So I got a pretty good haul this year! Birds, ferrets, Sims 3 Pets, BBC's "Jekyll", a Paddington Bear mug and Ben Fold's new 3 CD set :D I am a lucky girl! What I don't get this year is my husband. He left for the field this morning. But we pretended yesterday was my birthday :)

NaNoWriMo is coming and I don't think I'm ready! I have an idea but I'm afraid it won't carry me. I need to spend some more time with it and see where it takes me.

Happy Bird-Day! Okay, that was a little lame - but really, these little guys are my early birthday present :) No official names yet - but we're leaning towards Bludger (the green guy) and Snitch. We brought them home a few days ago - and I made Mike pick one out :) I truly never thought I'd get a bird because Mike always thought the noise would drive him insane. We read that these guys aren't very noisy and they seem to be holding true to that - though Snitch does like Ben Folds! (Great taste, that one ;)

My mood has been erratic, but I think it's getting better. I'm sure that getting my Vitamin D back on track is helping. Getting some decent sleep is nice too. I'm more interested in doing things - most of the time. I did spend some time in bed this afternoon and was tempted to just not get up but I did - even if it was just to read on the couch. I look forward to school starting in January. I think getting out and having something to do and some purpose and responsibility will make a huge difference in my mood. In my life. In the meantime I'm just filling the space.

We got snow! This is from a couple of days ago and it's mostly gone now. Mike says he remembers getting snow this early in the year back when we were growing up in Massachusetts - though I do not. All the same it's nice to have some cooler weather and know that it's here to stay. I will for sure be singing a different tune when the wind has our temperatures at forty below - but for now, it's nice :) By the way - that's Dylan in the picture. Weather will not deter the Squirrel Patrol :) After spending about an hour hounding the trees one afternoon (and sometimes walking into them) I got her a tag for her collar that says "Squirrel Patrol" and has an acorn on it. She's earned it :)

I've been having trouble writing. Not getting something down on paper, but even trying. Even sitting down to attempt it. I feel like I've got something in me - like if I were to just sit and write something really cool would come out. But I can't. Really I won't. I'm self-sabotaging like that. I always have been and believe me it's a quality I'd like to ditch. Perhaps I'm afraid that as sure as I am that I've got something good stuck inside it's really going to end up being crap. Not that that is the end of the world - but it's a possible explanation I suppose. In the mean time I've been doing a lot of reading. I finished "Feed" by Mira Grant on Saturday and started "The Vanishing Act of Esme Lennox" by Maggie O'Farrell yesterday (getting more than halfway through). I walk the dogs, watch the gerbils go about their daily business, run unnecessary errands and find other excuses to not write. I suppose, including blogging :p

All the little things.

This guy was waiting for us when the dogs and I came back from our walk this morning. I'm thinking super moth? He's pretty - and he'll continue to stay pretty as long as he's outside and doesn't bring along a swarm of his friends.

I saw the hematologist on Monday - I've got a Vitamin D deficiency and an intestinal infection. So super duper Vitamin D pills for the deficiency and Vancomycin for the C. difficile.I also saw my physical therapist on Tuesday and he says no to sciatica. He says I've got a back problem and a separate problem in the TFL muscle - causing sciatic symptoms. Anyway - doing some exercises for those and getting nerve stimulation treatment Tuesdays and Thursdays on my back for the next couple of weeks. That last part is really quite nice!

In a rather quick turn around I've already decided against going for SSDI. If I go for disability I can't go to school (or, obviously work) and I want desperately to work with or for wildlife. I've tried school before, several years ago and ultimately dropped out due to depression. I've also left several jobs for the same reason. But I want this, more than anything. Years ago I was being treated by a different doctor who was over medicating me (I was at any one time on seven to nine daily psych meds). I'm in a different place now. Much less medication. I'm older (which I'm told makes a difference). I think I need to not give up on something I want so badly - even if it'll be hard getting there. I'm going to commit to using my resources and to doing something that matters to me - I believe I need that. I believe everyone does.

 

Today? Halloween cards! Well, I got some of them done. As you can see I made a bit of a mess in the process. Also, I now know where the quote "Glitter is the herpes of craft supplies." comes from. Seriously O_o Also the nice thing about having the gerbil's tank on the table is Instant Recycling! Any cardboard packaging (minus the bits with glue) just gets tossed right in! Entertainment and bedding all in one :D

In more serious news I've decided to fight the battle for Social Security disability. I think I've got a chance - even if it takes some time. I am in no way looking forward to this experience or the stress it's going to bring but I am hopeful that in the end it will be worth it. If I'm lucky that hope will not be misplaced.

It is a beautiful Autumn day here. Cool, a little breezy but incredibly comfortable. I have missed Autumn so much. The last thirteen years have either been spent in the New Mexico desert or on the tropical island of Okinawa. No real Autumn season to speak of in either place. Though I liked the rain in Okinawa - except when it interfered with hanging the laundry. Anyway - I am very thankful to be living in a place with all four seasons again. I grew up in Massachusetts and there it was just the way it always was - everything was very distinct. I'm looking forward to snow, but not to the Wyoming cold and especially not to the wind! I'm looking forward to seeing the dogs in the snow. Dylan we adopted in New Mexico as a puppy and she's not seen any real accumulation. We got Kuma here in Wyoming back in April - but she came from a terrible situation and I doubt she ever had a chance to play in the snow. It should be fun to watch them explore!

Yesterday I got a semi-diagnosis on some pain I've been having. Sciatica. I say semi- because it's more a symptom name than a diagnosis. But I'm on a course of steriods as well as painkillers and muscle relaxers and I start physical therapy next week. On the 14th I see my PCM to discuss getting an MRI of my back. I am not ashamed to tell you that MRIs are a fear of mine. I feel buried alive in there. When I got my last one in New Mexico they gave me these special glasses so I could see out and down to my feet. And an anti-anxiety med. And music. Seriously, I hate those things.

To Ft. Collins and back again

So we made our trip to Ft. Collins and I saw my psych. When I asked if I had more going on than just Bipolar he leaned forward and laughed and said "Oh yes! You have much more going on!" I wasn't sure how to take that but he said not to worry so much about the names of things and just focus on the getting stabilized. That makes sense. He's weaning me off two of my current meds over the course of a month in the hopes it'll ease up the depression due to the interactions they are causing. We'll see what happens.


In other news I have an appointment at the Library on Monday afternoon to talk about that volunteer position! Hopefully that goes well and I can actually function as a volunteer in a social setting. I'm keeping my fingers crossed because I'd really like to do this.

A Library Thing

This is my current collection of library books (and CD's). I spend a lot of time at the Library and my most recent additions were yesterday - the CD's, a couple of books on knitting and one on sewing (I *will* use that machine!) I feel more at home at the library than anywhere else - which is probably more normal for teenager to say than someone about to turn thirty-one, but there you go. Anyway, I decided to put in a volunteer application and see if my clerical or bookseller skills would be of any use. I'm hoping yes :)

Today I'm off to Ft. Collins for a psych. appointment. I'm looking for a diagnosis beyond Bipolar as I think I've got some other things going on - but we'll see. As long as we can get to working on this constant depression and social ineptness and hopelessness in the future. That would be nice.

In the mean time my husband is home for the next couple of days (Yay!) and while we have no real plans (we're both down with a cold) it is very nice just having him around :)

And here we go.

There's nothing so sad as an empty blog so I may as well start filling this one up right away. This blog will serve the function of being my "writer's blog" and here for just general musings as well. I'd like to see myself develop a routine of getting things down and out on "paper" - be it real paper or the computer - once a day. My husband's schedule gives me much time to myself as he's gone for four days at a time - equaling out to half of every month. Some people have said that they think this would be a great thing. I think they must be more crazy than I am because we both hate it. Anyway - it does give me time to focus. Hopefully I can start putting it to good use!

I'm afraid I chose a strange day to start a blog as I just got antibiotics for a cold I can't kick and I'm still pretty down. But I did want to get something up here. Thanks for stopping by!