Monday, January 30, 2012

  Two years ago today marks the passing of my mom. Our relationship was often tumultuous. At one point I went several months without speaking to her. It was after that that things settled down with us. Nothing was ever perfect. We never hung out just to spend time together, had meaningful conversations, went shopping or indeed showed a lot of affection. She grew in up in a time and family where emotion was not shown and children were not precious after a certain age. When she adopted me there was a full family - mother and father, me the daughter and the hopes of a son. When my father was arrested all foster children were taken from the house and it was just her and I and I think that left her bitter. She had many faults as a parent, but never the less she was my mom.I think a lot of people have a hard time with that. I know my husband does. How can I care about a person who was so hurtful? But I did. I do. Not to say she didn't hurt me. She did. I am damaged due to my
upbringing. I am still, everyday fighting to get on some normal track of living. But your mom is your mom no matter what and while I didn't always liked her, I did always love her. And sometimes I miss her. I missed not sharing that we were finally leaving New Mexico. That we were buying our first house. That I've gone back to school. She was never a great source of comfort, but I did miss being able to call her when I was sick last year and big things like Lupus, RA, and even cancer were being looked at. But I also felt a sense of relief when she passed. Not necessarily for myself, but for her. She wanted to go - I'm certain that she was waiting for it. She talked about it often and believed there was something much better waiting for her on the other side. I believe that after the life she lived even if there is nothing, for her it is better. She deserved the release.

Two years gone and yes, I do miss my mom. Not many people realize it. If anyone. No one expects me to. Hugs were scarce, but I would like to have another one. I would like to call and have her answer the phone in a pleasant tone because her little girl is calling. I would like to explain for the hundredth time how to copy and paste with the computer mouse. I would like to have the good again. But I know that no matter what's out there, it really is better for her. And I try to take comfort in that.

Thursday, January 26, 2012

 New year! New schedule! New camera! New laptop! School has started! Where the heck have I been? I don't really know. I'm still on track mentally. I'm mostly on track physically - my allergies have chosen mid-winter to flare up and I have no idea why. It's totally new to me, but this is also our first winter in Wyoming, so I suppose anything could happen :p I slammed my thumb in the car door last week and that was a fun adventure in pain and pressure. But I went to the clinic a couple of days afterwards and had them burn a hole through my nail and bleed it out a bit and it has felt very much better since then :D
I did indeed get both a new laptop and a new digital camera. The laptop was built at and they did an awesome job, I really like what I've got :D The camera is a Panasonic LUMIX DMC-G3 *points to above picture* I am by no means a photographer, but I wouldn't mind being close to one someday. I love taking photos and am thrilled to have a proper camera with which to do it with :)
I have started school - back on the 10th. I was originally taking three classes but dropped English. It was kind of annoying and I didn't need it anyway - I had the credit from my last school which transferred and I just thought I would refresh. I'm left with Interpersonal Communication (actually quite interesting) and Math (never, ever interesting - but necessary.)

I haven't done any writing for some time. I want to and yet I don't sit down to do it. Part of me (a big part, I think) wants to do a memoir but I have a voice in my head that just says that it's silly and unnecessary or even plain stupid. And I mean for me personally, not in general. So I really want to, but keep tell myself not to, for one reason or another. I keep trying to find something else to write about and so far... well, I haven't written anything about anything. I need to figure something out because the desire is there and the not doing it is bothering me.