Thursday, March 8, 2012

In just about every therapy appointment I bring up that I'm an angry person and I don't like it. That I want to be less angry or less hateful towards others. Hold less contempt. This week my therapist said something that surprised me, and that I never expected anyone in her profession to say - That maybe the anger was okay. That perhaps it was earned and deserved. That perhaps after a childhood and adolescence of every abuse known - that spending my twenties depressed and suicidal, in hospitals and betrayed and preyed upon by the people who were supposed to help me (and that list is long). After all my losses, the cutting, the over medication and solitude that maybe I have earned the right to be angry. Maybe this is the point in my life where I say "Hey, fuck you guys. I got through all your shit and now I'm working on being my own person." And I am. It's very difficult and I think she may be right that anger is the best I can do right now. This revelation also makes it easier to think that maybe this is just a transition phase. Maybe it's not just going to be anger forever. It has been for going on two years but perhaps it will start to fade and I'll become someone who is more compassionate towards the average person - and if not completely compassionate at least not so damn upset with humanity all the time. I would settle for that last part. But it is nice to think that maybe I'm not a horrible person. Maybe everything I've endured for the last 30 years or so has given me the right to be pissed off. And maybe one day I won't be so pissed at everyone.
For the record, the animals get a pass. They have always gotten a pass. I believe them to be better than we are because I can always understand their meanings. If Dylan barks at the mailman I know it's because she's protective of the house because someone broke in when she was a puppy and it affected her. If a person bitches at the mailman I just think they are being an ass. In general I seem to be able to understand the nature of animals better than I can people. I can't accept "He was abused as a child." as an excuse to being an abuser or being an asshole. I was abused as a child too. I'm not an abuser of people or animals and while I harbor anger and hatred, I'm not outwardly bitchy. Everybody is different, but you can rise above.

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