It's all about me - apparently. I've decided to write a memoir. Not really for publishing - I don't presume to think the public is that interested in my life. But it's been gnawing at me for months and to the point where I cannot seem to write anything else. I spent weeks outlining another story - even drew out a map for the world - but I cannot write a damn thing for it. This memoir business keeps pulling at me. I'm hoping it'll be therapeutic as well, or at least not damaging. I don't know how to write something like this - how to outline it or what order to go in or anything like that - but I know that it needs to be done and I hope, really hope that once it is I'll be able to actually write something else. It seems silly to be consumed by the idea of a writing project that isn't fiction - or at least someone else's biography. It feels selfish to devote the time and energy to writing about myself and my life. It doesn't surprise me to feel that way - I'm not really into feeling that I'm worth the time and energy of other people - I suppose I shouldn't be worth my own time as well. But in the hopes that it will be helpful - to shut up the voice in my head, to get writing again and to maybe release (or silence) some ghosts - I'd like to actually, finally do it.

  Two years ago today marks the passing of my mom. Our relationship was often tumultuous. At one point I went several months without speaking to her. It was after that that things settled down with us. Nothing was ever perfect. We never hung out just to spend time together, had meaningful conversations, went shopping or indeed showed a lot of affection. She grew in up in a time and family where emotion was not shown and children were not precious after a certain age. When she adopted me there was a full family - mother and father, me the daughter and the hopes of a son. When my father was arrested all foster children were taken from the house and it was just her and I and I think that left her bitter. She had many faults as a parent, but never the less she was my mom.I think a lot of people have a hard time with that. I know my husband does. How can I care about a person who was so hurtful? But I did. I do. Not to say she didn't hurt me. She did. I am damaged due to my

upbringing. I am still, everyday fighting to get on some normal track of living. But your mom is your mom no matter what and while I didn't always liked her, I did always love her. And sometimes I miss her. I missed not sharing that we were finally leaving New Mexico. That we were buying our first house. That I've gone back to school. She was never a great source of comfort, but I did miss being able to call her when I was sick last year and big things like Lupus, RA, and even cancer were being looked at. But I also felt a sense of relief when she passed. Not necessarily for myself, but for her. She wanted to go - I'm certain that she was waiting for it. She talked about it often and believed there was something much better waiting for her on the other side. I believe that after the life she lived even if there is nothing, for her it is better. She deserved the release.

Two years gone and yes, I do miss my mom. Not many people realize it. If anyone. No one expects me to. Hugs were scarce, but I would like to have another one. I would like to call and have her answer the phone in a pleasant tone because her little girl is calling. I would like to explain for the hundredth time how to copy and paste with the computer mouse. I would like to have the good again. But I know that no matter what's out there, it really is better for her. And I try to take comfort in that.

 New year! New schedule! New camera! New laptop! School has started! Where the heck have I been? I don't really know. I'm still on track mentally. I'm mostly on track physically - my allergies have chosen mid-winter to flare up and I have no idea why. It's totally new to me, but this is also our first winter in Wyoming, so I suppose anything could happen :p I slammed my thumb in the car door last week and that was a fun adventure in pain and pressure. But I went to the clinic a couple of days afterwards and had them burn a hole through my nail and bleed it out a bit and it has felt very much better since then :D

I did indeed get both a new laptop and a new digital camera. The laptop was built at ibuypower.com and they did an awesome job, I really like what I've got :D The camera is a Panasonic LUMIX DMC-G3 *points to above picture* I am by no means a photographer, but I wouldn't mind being close to one someday. I love taking photos and am thrilled to have a proper camera with which to do it with :)
I have started school - back on the 10th. I was originally taking three classes but dropped English. It was kind of annoying and I didn't need it anyway - I had the credit from my last school which transferred and I just thought I would refresh. I'm left with Interpersonal Communication (actually quite interesting) and Math (never, ever interesting - but necessary.)

I haven't done any writing for some time. I want to and yet I don't sit down to do it. Part of me (a big part, I think) wants to do a memoir but I have a voice in my head that just says that it's silly and unnecessary or even plain stupid. And I mean for me personally, not in general. So I really want to, but keep tell myself not to, for one reason or another. I keep trying to find something else to write about and so far... well, I haven't written anything about anything. I need to figure something out because the desire is there and the not doing it is bothering me.

The last couple of weeks have been... hell. I have been taking a new medication for sleep and over time it was affecting my mood more and more until I reached a point of being a ball of anxious, suicidal depression. Not a fun way to spend the holidays. Or any time really. A couple of days ago I took myself off the med (because I wasn't really concerned with whether it was okay with my doctor) and since then things have dramatically mellowed down. They aren't good - my mood isn't good. But it's not bad either. It's neutral. Functional. Rational. And that is worlds better than what I was living with. In the meantime I am taking Benadryl for sleep. I remember a psych telling me once it was harmless taken long term - and I'm going to confirm that with my current psych. As long as it stands true I will stick with it. It gets me the sleep I need with no side effects. I wish I could be normal and just sleep - but I was over-medicated for five years by a jackass who preferred pharmaceutical company kick-backs to patient welfare and my brain no longer knows how to sleep without chemical input.

Alright, something not drug related - A new year! I don't normally do resolutions but one I do have this year is No. New. Pets. :p I got seven this year (a second dog, two birds, two ferrets and two gerbils) in addition to the dog we already had. So, barring some terrible disaster that takes my pets away from me, no new pets. The one exception to this is that we're getting an aquarium. That's been in the works for months and we're just now getting the money to set up the size tank we want with the equipment we want. I guess another exception would be if one of our pairs passes away and the one left behind becomes lonely/needs a buddy. But that's fair. Right?

Mike called while I was typing this up and I've lost my train of thought :p So I'm going to sign off here. I hope you all had a good holiday :)

To my extreme surprise I got a visit from Animal Control this morning. It seems that last night while I was doing a sleep study in Colorado, Dylan was in the backyard barking - for about two hours O_o The complaint was that the woman was worried she might be stuck outside in the cold. I'm cynical and think she was mostly complaining about the noise. (Our neighbors have shown no interest in us in the almost year that we've been here - but they may actually be concerned for my dog. I don't know). Either way there was a knock on my door this morning. I explained to the lady that came that I was gone all night, Mike wasn't home and it was Dylan's first time alone in this house. I also explained that she has anxiety issue that she takes medication for (No really, she's on Prozac and Xanax). I showed her the dog doors, showing that Dylan has access in and out of the house. All this seemed to be enough and I didn't get into any sort of trouble - no warnings or citations. Just a suggestion that the next time I leave her alone overnight I have someone stay with her or close up her access to the outside. The lady that stopped by was actually really nice and understanding. She also recognized Kuma :D Kuma came from a botched rescue situation where she was one of about 50 dogs living in a mobile home in terrible conditions. Apparently the lady who stopped by today was there when they cleared out the home. Also the time before that when there were over 100 dogs >_< It appears Kuma was the "rescuer's" personal dog - the only one that wasn't there as a rescue but as a pet. That didn't help Kuma out too much though as her face is still twisted and scarred from fights and her teeth were destroyed from being in a kennel. (Our $80 shelter dog ended up costing about $1000 in the first month)

Anyway - sorry to have an entire post about the dogs. More to come soon :)

Today's picture features my favorite mug. It was a gift from my brother-in-law and is perfect for tea and soup. (Today it is tea.) I suppose it would be perfect for coffee too, but it doesn't fit in my Keurig machine and I am just addicted to that damn thing :p Though if I bring a coffee home from Starbucks or Dazbog I often transfer it to this mug :D

Mike comes home today which meant it was animal cleaning day - well most of the animals. The dogs are cleaned by the groomers. (I had a job as a dog bather once and I am very grateful to them, especially for dealing with Dylan!) But the ferret tower, bird cage and gerbil tank all got an overhaul. Mike comes home every eight days (he's gone for four/home for four/rinse/repeat) so it gives me a good cleaning schedule. The gerbils get done every other homecoming because they just don't need it as often :p It also gives me something to do to pass the time while I'm waiting for Mike to actually walk through the door. There's no set schedule for that. One day he got home at ten a.m. (I don't think that will be happening again though) and another he got home around eight p.m. - and he's come home at all times in between. I think some people think I'm a little insane to have eight pets - but when you spend this much time on your own you grow to appreciate the company! I'm a little worried about what starting school in January is going to do to the pet responsibility load but I think it'll be okay. Plus there is a reason they are all in pairs! When I can't be around they've all got a buddy to hang out with. 

I have been beating myself up lately about not writing. I haven't written since the day after I completed NaNoWriMo. I was so proud of myself for managing that and so sure I was going to keep this thing going - but it's been just over a week and... nothing. I want to. I have ideas! I got a moleskin notebook to jot them down and I've actually managed to do just that. But I'm so afraid that I'll write utter crap - or that I won't be able to write anything at all - that I haven't made the attempt. Which is kind of pathetic reasoning. Really it's better to get crap down that I can work out and improve later then to get nothing down at all. I can't really improve on what isn't there. No real editing to be done there. I joined the Absolute Write forums in hopes that it would get my butt in gear. So here's hoping :)

Another wintery day in Cheyenne. The first thing I did this morning (after having a cup of gingerbread coffee) was shovel the sidewalk, walkway to the house and clean off the car. This is not the first morning I have spent like this - but this is my first winter in Cheyenne after living ten years in the New Mexico desert, and two and a half years before that on the tropical island of Okinawa. I am just not used to it. Back in the fall outside of Lowe's were snow blowers. I told Mike we should get one. He came up with a bunch of reasons why it wasn't necessary, so they all went home with somebody else. Now it's winter and oddly enough every time we have a snowstorm Mike is in the field O_o I can't fault him for that, he doesn't make his schedule and he doesn't control the weather. But he also isn't the one home doing the shoveling :p I know it's good exercise - it's great exercise! There's no arguing that! It's good to get outside and do something with yourself. But it never fails that when I'm getting ready to go out the morning after a snowfall I see my neighbor out with his snow blower :p

 Random Thoughts:

-When I posted about getting the birds I said we were thinking about naming them Bludger and Snitch. We actually went with Opal and Jade :) Also, it turns out they are both girls (we thought they might be boys)

-I want to join a writing group (or maybe another group of interest) but everything around here isn't actually around here - it's either in Ft. Collins or Laramie (which is actually smaller than Cheyenne) - both are 45 minutes away. Though it's not the time of the drive that bothers me, it's the gas.

-I bought my school books last night. I got them on Half.com and with shipping the three of them cost $180.00. One was brand new. If I were to have gone through my school's book store I would have paid at least twice that (without shipping).

-Christmas shopping for family is done! I have one or two more stocking stuffers to pick up for Mike and then he will be done too :D I'll probably do that today.

-That's all. No more random thoughts :p